The Interrupter
by Leiaaa
Summary: A collection of funny conversations that go on between Edward - 'The Interrupter' - and various Twilight characters. Just added chapter 3 - a conversation between Edward and Jasper. Alice makes an appearance.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This idea came to me when I was watching Conan O'Brian the other night. He did a skit with a guy called "The Interrupter" (look it up in google videos sometime), who is my absolute favorite character on Conan O'Brian. Anyway, I was working on one of my stories and this sort of worked it's way into what I was writing. Unfortunately, it doesn't even fit in to the storyline, so I cut it out.

Anyway, I saved it, edited it and now here it is in all it's un-canon glory (Its _soooo _unlike Edward to be _this_ obnoxious. It's more like something Jacob would do if he could read minds while in his human form). By-the-way, it's a conversation that goes on between Leah and Edward.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters. Twighlight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, but I'm just borrowing them for the time being.

* * *

"Thank you for stopping by, Leah." The parasite said in an infuriatingly cordial way.

Because he was being so calm, cool and collected, I wanted to choke him to death.

_Stupid. immortal. vampire._ I thought, as I gave him the stink-eye.

"Yeah, whatever." I said, without even attempting to sound civil. "We really should -"

"Do this again soon?" The parasite interrupted me, finishing my sentence.

I wasn't amused.

"I was being -"

"Sarcastic?" he offered, while simultaneously interrupting and finishing my sentence once again.

"Would you –"

"Stop that?"

"You're a –"

"Freak show?"

"Do you know how -"

"Incredibly annoying I am? Yes."

By this point, the Cullens and Jacob had exploded into fits of giggles. Apparently they found our exchange incredibly hilarious.

"Yet you -"

"choose to persist in the very behavior that would make me a social pariah in the human world?"

Those weren't my exact words, but he got the gist of what I was going to say.

"How is it that -"

"No one's attempted to murder me yet?"

"I swear, I'm going to –"

"Punch me in the face? It won't hurt me and you'll probably shatter every bone in your hand."

"You're worse then my—"

"Little brother?"

"Did you ever -"

"Eat paint chips?"

"Because, I swear you have -"

"Brain damage?"

"Go to—"

"Hell?"

"You are an incredible—"

"Douche?"

"You should consider -"

"Getting therapy?"

"I'm talking about -"

"Serious therapy?"

"Although, if you did go to a therapist, the poor -"

"Bastard would probably blow his brains out during the first session?"

"I don't have time for -"

"An obnoxious jackass like me?"

"ARRRGH! SHUT UP!" My voice echoed throughout the monstrosity of a house as Jacob and the rest of the Cullens laughed hysterically. There were tears streaming down Jacobs face and he was literally doubled over on the floor.

"Stop! Stop!" Jacob begged, "I can't breathe." Jacob was barely able to get the words out because he was literally choking on his laughter.

_I get it, jackass, 'checkmate'. You win. _I conceded to the parasite.

The tiniest sign of a smirk was showing itself at the corners of the parasite's mouth.

_I still think that your mind reading is the equivalent of mind-rape, you disgusting leech. _

After giving him my most malicious look, I turned on my heel and stormed out of the house.

"Come again soon!" I heard the blood-sucker call out just before I slammed the door behind me.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey everyone I'm actually pretty busy this week so I haven't really had a chance to sit down and work on any of my other stories. BUT, because I've gotten so many requests to make more stories about Edward being 'The Interrupter' I've decided to do it. BTW, for anyone who hasn't heard of 'The Interrupter', just google them. Funny stuff.

Its _soooo _unlike Edward to be _this_ obnoxious and/or creepy. It's more like something Jacob would do if he could read minds (while in his human form) and had some serious issues. By-the-way, this is just a conversation that goes on between Edward and Emmett.

Disclaimer: I don't own the twilight saga or any of the characters therein. I also have nothing to do with 'The Interrupter' from Conan O'Brian.

* * *

I walked down the hall as quietly as my vampire body was capable of. I also tried my darnedest to not think of anything, because if I did, _He_ would know I was out and about. Unfortunately, I didn't get too far before Edward popped out of the hall closet wearing short denim cutoffs, hot pink stilettos and nothing else.

"HI EMMETT!"

"Crap! It's – "

"Me! Edward!" He interrupted me so he could finish my sentence.

"I was trying to – "

"Avoid me?"

"By-the-way, what's with the – "

"Daisy dukes and stilettos?"

"Yeah, you look like some sort of a –"

"Gay houseboy?"

"Of course, that really isn't an issue. I don't-"

"Care which team I play for? By-the-way, I'm straight."

"…Um…o-kay...the point is, I just wish you would –"

"Stop interrupting you."

"Well yeah, that and –"

"Jumping out of closets trying to surprise everyone."

"Don't you realize how-"

"Incredibly annoying I am? Yes, I do."

"If you know you're annoying, why –"

"Do I keep doing it?"

"Are you just that –"

"Desperate for attention?"

"Or is this some sort of-"

"A sad cry for help?"

"Have you ever considered-"

"Getting some therapy?"

"Or are you just-"

"So far gone that I don't think I need therapy?"

"Don't you want to have any-"

"Meaningful social contact?"

"And by 'meaningful' I'm not talking about-"

"Stalking that new girl at school."

"Speaking of, I bet you've been sneaking into her room so you can-"

"watch her sleep; obsess over why I can't read her mind; smell her hair and rummage through her garbage for her toenail clippings and used tissues so I might keep them as mementos."

"Damn Edward, that seems-"

"Incredibly creepy."

"Even for a-"

"One-hundred and eight year-old, virgin vampire."

"You must have had-"

"A really messed up childhood? Yes, I did. My mom used to dress me up in girls clothing and tell everyone my name was Lucille Merriweather."

"Uh…sounds…interesting…" I said as I started edging away from him, "I'll just-"

"Be going now?" Edward offered in his usual helpful and cordial manner.

"Yeah. Bye."

"I'll see you later Emmett! Nice talking to you!" Edward called out as I was running away from him as fast as my vampire legs would carry me.


	3. Chapter 3

**For those who have not yet read this series (new subscribers of mine), you might not get what's going on if you've never heard of "The Interrupter" (Character from The Conan O'Brian Show). If this is the case, I recommend you Google "the interrupter" and watch a few of the videos before continuing.**

**Also, I own nothing.**

* * *

"Jasper, I wouldn't leave the room if I were you. Edward is out there waiting and I just had a vision that involved you taking-"

I cut Alice off, not in the mood to hear another one of her visions. "Alice, honey, don't worry about me. I can handle the little creep."I liked not knowing what was around every corner, it kept things interesting.

"I don't know…" she trailed off, not sounding convinced, knowing that I would leave the room anyway, despite her warning.

I bent down to kiss her forehead, "Really Sweet pea, I'll be fine." I assured her before I sauntered out the bedroom door and into the hallway. I only made it a few hundred feet before the little maggot jumped out in front of me.

"Hi Edward." I said, not even attempting to sound friendly. I walked around him and continued down the hall.

"Hi Jaz!" He greeted me and started to follow.

I stopped abruptly and turned to face him "Seriously, kid, stop calling me Jaz. My name is Jasper. Jas-per."

He smiled at me, "Okay Jaz."

While I was fighting the urge to dismember him, I finally noticed what he was wearing and I started to laugh. The little freak was wearing a fishnet wife-beater and a banana hammock – nothing else unless I counted the makeup on his face.

"Damn kid, what the hell-"

"Am I wearing?"

"Yes, and stop-"

"Interrupting you."

"Seriously, stop that. It's-"

"Unbelievably irritating?"

"Yes. Besides, I told you to-"

"Stay the hell away from you."

"Exactly. Can't you tell-?"

"That no one wants me around? Yes, I am well aware of that."

"You must be the-"

"World's loneliest vampire."

"I bet you spend most nights-"

"sneaking into Rosalie's closet so I can try on every single one of her wedding dresses."

"Wow, that is both-"

"Creepy and heartbreaking."

"I'm guessing you've never had a-"

"Meaningful sexual experience."

"Unless you consider-"

"Hugging Esme a meaningful sexual experience. _Yes I do_."

I was really getting freaked out and I needed to get away from him. So I started to walk away but he just followed so I continued to talk.

"You seem-"

"Strangely okay with that."

"Is there even a-"

"Psychological term for someone like me?"

"Or do therapists just say you're-"

"Proof that God doesn't exist."

"Look, Edward, I'm feeling-"

"Really uncomfortable right now."

"You really should-"

"leave you alone."

"I'm not-"

"Kidding."

"Seriously, I've got a-"

"Lighter and you won't hesitate to use it."

"Yes. You'd literally-"

"Combust into flames."

"You must think I'm-"

"Just kidding around here."

"But I'm-"

"Not."

"I'm warning you, anymore-"

"Interruptions-"

I cut him off, "And it's-"

He interrupted me yet again, "Bye-bye immortality."

"Okay, I'm about to-"

"light me on fire."

"Please, I-"

"Don't want to do this."

"But you've-"

"Left you no other choice."

"Hasta-"

"La Vista."

The little bastard had it coming. No one would blame me for putting an end to him, I was sure. I was just about to flip the top of my lighter, causing a little flame to ignite, when Alice jumped out into the hallway and called out, "Edward! Come this way! I really want to give you a makeover! NOW! Oh! I've got a pair of fishnet stockings that will match that…um…_fetching_ shirt you're wearing right now. Besides, I want to hear more about that new girl at school."

"Her name is Bella and her hair smells like strawberries!" He exclaimed as he turned all his attention to Alice and started skipping down the hall, away from me. Unfortunately, his banana hammock was also a thong and I got a full view of his pasty-white ass. I shuttered and then looked at Alice. "Thank you honey. I really appreciate it. I almost-"

Alice interrupted me, "_I know_ what you almost did."

"I also know what you _almost_ did." Edward called out as he reached Alice. "Makeover time!" he exclaimed as he entered the room.

"Damn, that kid needs to get some!" I muttered under my breath before making my way down the stairs.

* * *

**A/N:Sorry that I'm kinda picking on Edward but he sort of deserves it. The guy became so girly in Breaking Dawn. Besides, I've been team Jacob since New Moon.**

**So, I've been feeling pretty uninspired as of late because of the upcoming election here in the US. I've been following this upcoming election for the past two years and now I'm SICK of hearing about it. I can't wait until it's all over. _ANYWAY_, I need some new music to listen to so I might get my mind off the election, the horrendous economy and help me get past my writers block. Please feel free to leave suggestions. I especially like music from the UK (I love Kate Nash) but any and all suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks!!!**


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